Embracing Shared Humanity: The Self and Relationships

When we think about ourselves or others, we often assume that each individual has an innate and unchanging essence; a consciousness with a set of qualities that make each of us who we are. When an individual reflects on an experience, the Self that observes the memory is the same as the essence of the memory. While our bodies and minds change constantly, the essence of the Self remains intact. 

When we meet new people, we apply this idea that each individual has been their essence or their Self. (Don’t worry if you don’t completely understand, it’s hard to deconstruct the idea of the Self in a couple of sentences, you just need a general idea). As such, we form intuitive judgments (i.e. gut feelings) about their essence and decide whether or not we should be open to a relationship with them. These intuitive judgments are based on traits that we believe comprise their Self, such as cultural values, religious beliefs, intelligence, and more. 

In one of the earliest sacred texts in Hinduism, “The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad” (c. 800-200 BCE), the idea of Atman (The Self) being Brahman (ultimate reality) is proposed. This mindset argues the Self is a shared essence within all of us, independent of superficial traits. Thus, I will explore how replacing our current perspective with the lens proposed by The Upanishad could better our ability to form relationships and, consequently, increase our happiness. 

Our judgment calls on someone else’s Self can harm potential relationships. Is religion a significant part of your life? Are you passionate about a political issue? Do you have a strong connection to your culture? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, think of how you have reacted when you learn that someone does not share the same values as you, or even tells you they stand on the opposing side. 

Usually, we feel a strong barrier or an uncomfortable sense of aversion toward the “other”. Once you view someone as different from yourself, you not only close yourself off to a relationship with them but set a prior expectation that will inhibit future interactions with similar individuals. These barriers limit your worldview and disallow yourself from questioning and growing your perspective. Every individual needs to go through life understanding that we each know very little about the world beyond our immediate environment. 

Furthermore, we feel happier when we feel included in a community. When we make quick negative judgments, we ruin the opportunity to create relationships with people who may understand us in ways that no other person could, ultimately negatively affecting our happiness. 

Moreover, in situations where it is necessary to be around someone for a long period, for example, a roommate, it is important to focus on how you can build a positive relationship despite your differences because it benefits you to build a new healthy relationship rather than putting in the effort to view someone as “other”.

We can benefit from understanding the moral takeaway from the text “The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad”. It is a conversation between a great sage, Yajnavalkya, and his wife, Maitreyi, about how he is leaving to reach Brahman. Brahman, otherwise known as Self-realization, is the secret to immortality. 

Maitreyi desires immortality, and that is when Yajnavalkya attempts to impart spiritual instruction. He states, “a husband loves his wife not for her own sake [...] but because the Self lives in her”. Yajnavalkya wants to teach that the Self is identical in all of us, and that is what we love in one another. 

The theme in this text is that if we discover this Self then we can never part from those we love. With this theme, the feeling of sorrow or anguish is taken away and as a result, we reach true happiness. 

We do not need to believe in Hinduism to appreciate the implications of this story. When we rid ourselves of the illusion of separateness, we can cherish that we are all fundamentally the same. 

Our illusion of separateness becomes evident when we feel close to people with shared traits and feel distant from those with whom we do not share certain traits. This text proves that some of the traits we use to define people as  “good” or “bad” are arbitrary; instead, we should focus on the shared trait of humanity. 

People might take issue with the assertion that their frameworks of “good” and “bad” may be arbitrary in some instances. That is understandable given that it is central in their lives. Religion is a distinct example of this. 

Imagine a Christian who has spent their entire life adopting Christian teachings meets someone who has spent equally long developing as an Atheist. Most people consider this a social impasse, which would hinder these two individuals' ability to build a relationship; however, religious beliefs are among the many elements of the Self that are externally determined. 

The religious sect is randomized at birth – unlike the other elements of the human experience such as thoughts and feelings. 

By that logic, how can it be morally correct to prevent relationships, or, in dramatic cases, persecute others over these randomized traits? The same question follows for all other superficial elements of the human experience: language, cultural values, tastes, and so on. 

In conclusion, what we can learn from  “The Brihadaranyaka Upanishad” is that it is important to value the Self in everyone. We should not define ourselves and others through traits that we share or differ on, but rather recognize we are all humans and appreciate our differences. Throughout life, this will allow each of us to build a better sense of empathy and community and in turn, allow us to lead happier lives.